1. |
freak
03:29
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i am a stupid fucking idiot
i never get it right
i always want the absolute worst thing
at the absolute wrong time
he isn’t pretty or intelligent in the ways that i would like
and still i write
i’m such a stupid fucking idiot
at least now it’s understood
i can’t expect quoting Radiohead
to lead me somewhere good
i got so awful and pretentious
barely recognized myself
we both could tell
i’m such a
day dreamer in the afternoon light
falling freely into something so nice
i wish I had been better prepared
and not the stupid fucking freak that i am
i’m really starting to surprise myself
with what i can withstand
i fill my mornings with my maybes and my
“on the other hands”
i always wanted something beautiful
and figured this was it
but it’s chickenshit
i am a stupid idiot and
i do idiotic things like
chasing down some sorry awkward kid
and staring at his rings
i’ve gotta grow another backbone
say this won’t happen again
but then again
i’m such a
day dreamer in the afternoon light
falling freely into something so nice
i wish i had been better prepared
and not the stupid fucking freak that i am
i’m waiting on what hasn’t begun
spin stories just cause spinning is fun
and until i’m less pathetic and scared
until i stop perceiving things that aren’t there
until i come back better prepared
i’ll be the stupid fucking freak that i am
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2. |
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i’m invited
someone wants me to show
i won’t lie it’s
terrifying to go
how will I get there?
who will drive me?
i’m pathetic
they don’t know yet
but they’ll know
once i show
i’m embarrassed
my world shrinks to the size of a thumb
all my life spent
relying on someone
it would be easy
to take up the wheel on my own
i’ll get around to it
i have been feeling
like everyone’s fine on their own
but i just can’t do it
my friends rooting for me
so loud I can tell that they’re tired
they’ll soon be free of me
how long will they deal with
the kid who always needs a ride?
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3. |
the sleepiest song
02:10
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this is the sleepiest song
for the sleepiest boy
heard he’s had a long day
heard a lotta loud noise
this is the quietest song
for the quietest time
so the sleepiest boy
can rest his sleepy eyes
and the sleepiest boy
lives in the sleepiest town
where the little blue birds
make little blue sounds
he is the littlest boy
in the whole wide world
dreaming dreams about
the sleepiest girl
and the sleepiest girl
in the littlest bed
dreams the giant-est dreams
in her giant-est head
about the sleepiest boy
and a lotta white doves
falling deeply
into sleepiest love
one day the sleepiest boy
with the sleepiest life
asked the sleepiest girl
to be his sleepiest wife
dnd in the littlest house
with the little blue birds
they lived sleepily
ever after
they lived sleepily
ever after
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4. |
good thing / i survived
04:15
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i’m lighting a candle
getthing rid of the smell
ss proof I outlived it
this winter from hell
my room with no exit,
my days filled with fog
i was never free from it
It was all that i was
i told my friends its nothing
just to get by
and no one knows much of it
but i’m glad i’m alive
It’s a good thing I survived
the weed made me anxious
like everything did
always crafting escape plans
i could never commit
the light in the morning
the on campus dogs
thought i’d never get through it
But i proved myself wrong
i told myself its nothing
just to get by
and no one knows much of it
but i’m glad i’m alive
it’s a good thing I survived
standing tall in my apartment
Thought it kinda smells like sun-kissed garbage
i’ve been really meaning to call someone yeah
thank god i’m alive
a glass in with some old film on
Im really trying to be myself more
and nothing’s ever that serious
so it’s a good thing thing i survived
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5. |
doing romance
04:17
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something has clicked inside my head
i never thought that i would feel it
but i’m feeling it this weekend
it’s unwelcome and it’s heavy and it’s light
i might be making it up half of the time
something has snuck into my blood
i never thought that i could feel this
but i’m feeling it for someone
i’m half crazy entertaining the thought
nothings stays uncomplicated for long
don’t overanalyze it
just write it down
i wanna
get drunk and think about you more
before my sorry brain turns sore
why did i think of you so long?
why do i stare at you so long?
i wanna-change my name a few more times
and live a hundred different lives
one day i’ll finally like you right
one day i won’t do romance wrong
i check to see if i’m still there
who ever thought to rev an engine
on a road that’s headed nowhere
it’s unwanted it’s pathetic and it’s low
is it a crush? it sucks that no one really knows
i don’t know what i’m supposed to say
when all at once this silly feeling goes away
how will i sever the exception from the rule?
how would i cope if my creation myth came true?
i’ll get this under my belt
so i can know how it felt
so later on down the the line
i won’t do everything wrong
just kiss me while i brace for it
so i can run and tell my friends
so i can picture in my mind
the day i don’t do romance wrong
i wanna
get drunk and think about you more
before my sorry brain turns sore
why did i stare at you so long?
why do i stare at you so long?
i wanna change my name a few more times
and live a hundred different lives
one day i’ll finally like you right
one day i won’t feel so behind
and I can see it in my mind
i’ll have a place where i belong
a house 2 kids and a dog
where no one tells me i’m wrong
where i’m not doing romance wrong
where i’m not doing romance
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6. |
orthodontist
04:27
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gotta get back to the orthodontist
last time i went she really put me in line
grinding my teeth in the welcome office
she winks and says
her retainer has
two holes like mine
gotta get back to the upstairs bathtub
where nobody is turning on the overhead fan
quiet in the morning i could let my thought go
turn the water brown
watch them swirl around
and down the drain
i write what i can
i write what i know
the heat of the day
the porcelain cold
i’m running away
till i start to miss home
one call from my mom
and i fold
i gotta get used to this sinking feeling
like i’m failing everybody and i’m doing it wrong
now every other day has a double meaning
where i wake up okay
before remembering
part of me’s gone
what’s the weather
where you are?
it’s 90 minutes
not that far
by afternoon it
might start raining
how soon can you
come and get me?
i gotta get back for the orthodontist
last time i went she really put me in line
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7. |
my nervousness
03:53
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i’m terrified to leave my bedroom for a weekend
what if i see other people
and they say they like my smile?
now i’m sitting in my kitchen
trying to give myself permission
not to kill my inner demons
just to take them on a walk for half an hour
i’d do most things for half an hour
i gotta leave at 9:05 in the morning
or else i might be too early
or else i might be too late
i gotta eat a balanced breakfast
so i can pay good attention
so i eat as fast as i can
i don’t care cause i’ll feel nauseous either way
i might feel nauseous either way
one foot after the other
it’s like this for every day of the week
my jaw my gut my terrible dreams
my nervousness and me
i’m pretty sure i qualify for medication
cause this shit’s debilitating
but i’m shit at taking pills
what i take one tomorrow
and it doesn’t swallow down right
and it closes up my windpipe
and i faint and split my forehead on the tile?
that might deter me for a while
one foot after the other
i have to talk to myself like a kid
take each day as i beg for release
my nervousness and me
i’m getting tired of all this shaking in my insides
didn’t gain any new insights
i couldn’t gain the last ten times
i think it’s not a lesson
or some divine intervention
it’s just my body never sits right
and i think all of my problems are just mine
my nervousness and me
might deter me for a whole
one foot after the other
i hate talking to myself
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8. |
chickadee
05:07
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she left me on a sunny day in august
she left with all the produce in the fridge
90 bucks at trader joe’s
no one deserves to feel alone like this
i count the birds on weeks she doesn’t answer
i start the days with all my favorite shows
and i know how she would hate the main character
so much of her that i might never know
now that she’s gone
now that she’s gone
everything i ever bought
i had it in my head i’d share it with you
and all those years where i stopped writing
all my stories started hiding in you
i love you
did my own mother miss me like this?
if my own mother missed me like this
what did she do?
what did she do?
the months go by and nothing really changes
the bedroom doors stay punishing and shut
one bad night with empty dreams
i wake to hear the chickadees
and swear it’s really her and her guitar
everything feels easier on
way back when i could share it with you
your father makes some awful jokes
it’s hard to laugh with no one laughing with you
and i love you
did my own mother miss me like this?
did my own mother miss me like this?
come and live back home again
you won’t believe the rent these days
i’d let you live here free forever
come back home and get your license
though i’d never make you drive
without you who would I sit next to?
and nobody’s ever loved you like this
nobody ever loved me like this
how I love you
and I always do
who else is gonna love you like this?
nobody’s ever loved you like this
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9. |
behind you
02:52
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your best days are behind you
the days are behind you
oh you were so radiant
now let me remind you
no one’s gonna love you again, ooh
not like they did, ooh
everyone that you love
they have all been in on it
before it’s begun
so what do you want them to say, ooh?
they’re gonna lie to you
broaden it out
see the bigger picture in it
what is it now?
too big for her britches
and she doesn’t know how
woke up one day with it
with the sinking feeling
oh god i think i’m falling behind, ooh
so don’t look behind you
i’m falling behind
don’t take it light
never have compassion
cause you know that it might
lead you to a hole in the ground, ooh
with nothing around you
everyone else
has it all accounted
but your stuck in yourself
unable to follow the sound, ooh
look who surrounds you
can’t you broaden it out
can’t see the bigger picture in it
oh now what is it now?
too big for my britches
and i never know how
woke up one day with it
with the sinking feeling
oh god i think i’m falling behind, ooh
so don’t look behind you
oh i think i’m falling behind
i’m falling behind
i’m falling behind
oh i think i’m falling
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10. |
judesong
04:03
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two kinds of pasta
that i know how to make
and i’m finally pretty
in my own silly way
time on the weekends
and poems at night
i start to believe
that i’m doing it right
small changes
trivial phases
reveal what’s often hardest to see
i choose a new name and stand by it
nobody asks me who i was before
no news ‘till one day i think finally
i’m putting to rest my particular war
who knew that girl who made life a nightmare
i’d think of her face and barely conjure a name
i walk out of reinvention partly relieved
it’s only more of the same
sturdier shoes and a dirtier mind
and friends who are special and harder to find
i wait for the day that i know i’m done growing
but find i’m elated when it never arrives
just small changes trivial changes
reveal what’s often hardest to see
i choose a new name and stand by it
nobody asks me who i was before
no news ‘till one day i think finally
i’m putting to rest my particular war
who knew that girl who made life a nightmare
i’d think of her face and barely conjure a name
i walk out of reinvention partly relieved
it’s only more of the same
more of the same
it’s only more of the same
It’s only more of the same
It’s only more of the same
i choose a new name and i like it
nobody asks me who i was
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ducksmithson
my name is jude and these are my songs hello hello!
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